Local Hollywood residents, Jeff and Todd Delmay recently tied the knot as the second same-sex couple to be legally married in Florida. The Hilton Fort Lauderdale Beach Resort had the pleasure of hosting the newly weds for their honeymoon experience. The Delmays sat down on the BalQony, an exclusive new indoor/outdoor reception space and terrace lounge that will be opening in early March, to discuss everything from how they met, the challenges they have endured as a gay couple wishing to marry as well as their plans for the future.
Dana: How did you meet?
Todd: We met at the end of 2002. Jeff was working at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. I had something early the next day, it was a Wednesday night. It was completely out of character for me to be out. I had a friend who really wanted to see the hotel, so we went. Jeff had been working since 6am and was ready to leave when he saw me. He turned around and came over. We started chatting and there were fireworks literally going on for the event. We kind of laugh now and say they were for us. There was just an instant connection, an instant chemistry. We exchanged business cards, but with the holidays it was kind of crazy, so we didn’t actually have our first date until January 15th. So, we’ve always considered that to be our anniversary. We just celebrated our twelfth anniversary, the anniversary of our first date.
Dana: When did you realize that he was the one?
Todd: Pretty quickly, our second date we talked about kids. What’s really interesting is that in the early days we never talked about marriage because even in 2003 it just seemed so impossible. We never thought same-sex marriage would ever happen, certainly not for us.
Dana: How has Florida’s recognition of same-sex marriage changed your lives?
Todd: People often ask why we didn’t just go out of state to be married, but we always felt that wasn’t the right choice for us. Going out of state and returning to the place where you live and not being recognized was almost as much of an injury, so we just decided that we were going to wait. When we got the opportunity to become part of the lawsuit to fight for same-sex marriage we really knew that we wanted to be part of that fight. There is the side of us being able to get married that is very exciting and real. To have our relationship recognized as being the same value as any other relationship to know that our son is now protected in many ways that he wasn’t before simply because his parents are married. It does feel a little different because for a long time people would sort of joke, “Where’s your husband?” It wasn’t mean spirited, but it was a joke because it wasn’t possible. Now that it’s possible to use that word the meaning has shifted so much. We’ve worn these rings. They were $10 each. We bought them in Hawaii which was the first major trip we took together. We always wore them on our right hand because we knew the left was reserved for marriage. So, when it came time we didn’t go out and get new rings we just moved them from one hand to the other. That shift although small reflects the changed in how are relationship has been viewed. As much as things are the same, they are completely different by getting married.
Dana: Now that you’re officially married, do you feel any different?
Jeff: I don’t feel any different in my relationship as far as the way I feel about him. The way I love him today versus January 4th, the day before we were married is the same. But, what feels different is that now it’s a justified relationship, it’s the same as any other heterosexual couple that has been able to marry. So what I felt that day is that I’m standing taller, my shoulders are broader now. I feel like I am just as good or just as equal as anybody else. And that was a right that I was fighting for. Not only for me, but for my friends in the LGBT community, my colleagues, the other plaintiffs, so to finally have that not only for us but for a whole community is truly remarkable. It’s amazing to be on the forefront of that change. I feel different because there is a different tone in the community.
Todd: Throughout the process we talked about the relief from discrimination and until you actually experience the relief of being able to marry and have the same rights then you understand that the relief is far more than just a technicality. Going up to the State of the Union, the immediate welcome, that sense of inclusion and sameness that we’ve never really experienced before was so different. Instead of calling him my partner or boyfriend I can now call him my husband people know instantly what that means. That’s all the explanation needed
Dana: You mentioned the community, with all of the obstacles along the way; did you feel a drive or responsibility to those people to keep going?
Jeff: Sure, when we first started contemplating whether or not to be part of the lawsuit I thought about everyone that came before us. The people that sacrificed their lives, their health and their safety to have basic rights. So people did that for us and stood up and fought physically sometimes and got hurt or were put in jail. For us, when we were presented with this opportunity it was a no brainer. This was our time to do our part and the best part for us obviously aside from being able to be married was seeing the people that have been together for fifty years or more could now get married. That is so touching.
Todd: We thought about what we could give. We couldn’t write a million dollar check. What we were encouraged to do was to tell our story. Many couldn’t share their story because of fear of retribution or losing their job. Some people like Anita Bryant show up and they’re able to put a lid on it and take us backward. So it was our job to come forward and tell our story. Our story is not really any different from others. We met, our eyes locked across a crowded room. We have a son, we’ve built a life together there are so many things that are similar to most couples, but to tell our story and show people and the courts this is not some other, or imaginary people these are real lives who have a story then people get it. We’re just two people who love each other and want to get married.
Dana: What is your advice for a successful relationship?
Jeff: Trust is key and open honest communication. One of the best parts of our relationship is that we can speak open and honestly. Let each other be individuals give each other space to do the things we like to do separately or together. To take the time and be together just the two of us whether it’s a lunch or date night. We have a son and obviously the majority of our time and energy goes to him. But it’s also important to focus on ourselves in a relationship.
Dana: What are your plans for the future?
Jeff: We are planning on a wedding celebration. Now that we’ve gotten married we’ll take some time to plan it and have a nice party with all of our close friends and family. We will continue to grow our business and enjoy being a family, raising our son and maybe expanding our family. What this process has taught us as well is that we really want to continue to be active in our community and help people who need it.
Dana: How are you handling all of the media attention?
Jeff: All of the attention has taught me that we are supported. People come up to me and say we’re doing something amazing. People really are rooting for us.
Todd: Initially, we were concerned, we didn’t know what peoples’ reactions would be. We’ve experienced virtually no backlash or negativity. It’s been real heartwarming to see how accepting and open people can be.
